In January 2013, I received some of the worst news of my
entire life. Something that shook me to the core, and about destroyed my heart.
Growing up, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life.
I had no doubts, and everything seemed so easy. I always told myself, that when
the time came and I wasn’t married, I would serve a full time mission for The
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I also knew that when I returned
from that mission, I would be married in the Salt Lake LDS Temple. I didn’t
just HOPE, I KNEW. I had always had such a strong faith in my Savior, and in the
Gospel of Jesus Christ. I never questioned it. I had such a love for reading my
scriptures and the words of modern day prophets. I loved church, and I loved the
spirit it brought to my life. After high school I dedicated 2 hours every Wednesday
to go to the Temple and perform sacred ordinances there. I did that for 1 year
straight, and I loved every second of it. I KNEW where I was going in life, and
I was on the right track to get there.
Until something happened that I had not planned for. After
my second date with my now husband, Jordan, I knew we would be married. The
kicker was, I was supposed to leave on my mission in just a few short weeks. Of
course I was instructed to pursue my feelings with this handsome young man, and
pray often to receive the answer. The answer was always the same and he was the
one! I was terrified. So what did I do? I accepted an offer to teach in China
again for 4 months. That would give me more time to ponder my future that I hadn’t
planned for, and for my sweet beau to straighten his things up, and prepare to
take me to the best place on earth, the Salt Lake City Temple.
I was gone from August 2012-December 2012. It was the
hardest 4 months of my life. I missed Jordan unbelievably so, but knew that I
was needed in China, helping wherever I could. And yet, my answer was still the
same. Jordan and I were to be eternal companions, and I was still scared out of
my mind. As my time in China came to an end, my fear had also. I knew Jordan
would take care of me and I knew that it was what the Lord wanted. I had come
to terms with ‘not my will, but thine be done.’ It was hard to retract my
mission call, but it was going to be worth it.
That’s when January came. Jordan and I had been dating for 7
months at this point, and I will not lie to you, we had started to get antsy.
We stayed as strong as we could, for as long as we could, but of course, Satan
was stronger. We immediately went to our church authorities. My heart was
broken, or so I thought. Jordan’s bishop was very sensitive and understanding.
He helped us work through it, and told us we would be back on track in just 3
short weeks! It wouldn’t even affect our sealing date that we were shooting for
in May of that same year. I was so relieved and humbled. Until he mentioned
that I should also counsel with my home ward bishop as my records were still
there. So of course, having my immense amount of faith, I did. That is when my
heart really shattered. I had been disfellowshipped from my church.
I couldn’t believe it. I was so bitter, and I was so
crushed, and my faith had immediately dwindled. I wanted to give up, and go
crazy. This was not supposed to be happening to me. I definitely did not plan
for this.
But, life had to go on. Jordan and I were then counseled by
his bishop to be married civilly in May. I struggled with that decision for
weeks. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face. People would
always ask us why we weren’t being married in the temple and my husband would
say that it was because of him. He knew how badly it hurt me, and he didn’t
want anyone making it worse for me. He wanted my wedding to be the perfect day,
and not have to deal with people talking about me, or judging my mistakes. And
it was a beautiful and perfect day. I will owe that to him for eternity.
But I still had to face it.
The next few months were the hardest. I had disappointed so
many people, and I had disappointed myself. We bought a home and moved into a
new ward. A fresh start some may say. But I was not allowed to partake of the
sacrament, participate in class discussions, bear my testimony and pray in
public. I was supposed to be the exact opposite of my personality for a whole
year. I struggled.
As we met with our new bishop, I began to feel the hope seep
back into my heart. He was so understanding and bewildered as to how this had
happened. He focused on all of the good, and the things that I could still do. That’s
when I started to pray and read scriptures again. I can’t even tell you how
long it had been, but I can tell you how amazing and sacred it was. I realized
how silly I was being for being bitter and hurt and for letting it determine
who I was! I decided then, that I was going to beat this, and that I would be considered
a member of the church again.
After I decided that, life got harder. My marriage got
harder. Dealing with my step kids got harder. Everything was a battle. But I
knew I had to get through it. I spent many nights kneeling on my floor in my
room while my family was upstairs. A lot of the time, I couldn’t get a prayer
out, but I would just cry. Although my husband could not fully understand what
I was going through, he helped in more ways than he will ever know. He was such
a good example to me, and kept pushing me when I thought about giving up.
As January 2014 rolled around, I started to become anxious.
Would I be forgiven fully and be able to get back to where I was? Or would the
Lord say that I needed more time.
For the first time in a year, I was able to bear my
testimony to my bishopric. And for the first time in my life, I bore it without
a tear, tremble, or fear. I was saying things that I didn’t even know that I
knew. The Lord was helping me, and in that moment, I knew I would be good as
knew.
That same evening, I was welcomed back into the Church and received
my renewed temple recommend. It was the best day of my entire life. I couldn’t
believe it! Of course we went out celebrating and I sent my entire family a
picture of my recommend. The support I had received from my family was
incredible, and I know I couldn’t have done it without them, so of course I wanted
them to celebrate with me!
It’s been almost a year since that day, and I am currently
serving in the primary presidency, SEALED TO MY HUSBAND, and stronger in my
faith than I have ever been. My testimony will never be the same, and I know
that that trial I was given was needed to shape me into a stronger, more knowledgeable,
humble daughter of a God who LOVES me.
