Some of the most common questions I find myself asking a newlywed
couple are “How’s married life?” or “Are you adjusting to each other?” or even “Are
you on cloud 9?” I always love to hear the answers, and think back on the first
few months that I was married. But as I did, I couldn’t remember people asking
me questions like that. Mine were always “How’s being an insta mom?” or “Do you
get along with his kids?” or even “Is his ex-wife nice to you?”
I love Jordan. He is my whole world, and I’ve never
regretted marrying him, nor will I ever. He is the perfect man for me, and I
adore him more than I could ever explain. That being said, our life isn’t always
rainbows and unicorns. We always tell our kids “We work with what we’ve been
given, and we do the best we can with it.”
To answer those questions would take a novel. But I can tell
you this. Being a step-mom is the hardest thing I have ever done. And I’ve done
some pretty hard things.
I met Jaxon and Kenadee right after they had turned 5 &
4. Kenadee was my instant best friend. She and I were inseparable. The night I
left for China she had to be held back on the porch while she screamed bloody murder and her face turned purple. I cried for a good 20 minutes in the car because
I felt like I was abandoning her. Don’t worry, our reunion was great.
Jaxon was a little more hesitant. He’d always ask where I
was, but was more shy and took me about 2 months to win over. Once I did, he
became my partner in crime. He has the most tender heart, and is such a
charmer. I love the text messages he sends me from his Ipod telling me how beautiful I am or how much he loves and misses me. He reminds me of his father more and more every day.
It wasn’t till Jordan and I had been married about 6 months
that I started to become overwhelmed and extremely anxious. The weeks that we
had Jaxon and Kenadee were great. But, Friday night would roll around, we would
drop them off, and I would cry the whole way home. How could this be happening
to me? Everyone I talked to said that I would LOVE the weeks that it was just
me and Jordan. Don’t get me wrong, I do love those weeks. But it is so hard for
me to adjust back and forth and back and forth. One week I’m running around
like a mad woman trying to make their lives the best they can be. The next I’m a newlywed with no cares in
the world.
It only got harder.
I started to miss the kids. I know it sounds crazy. I’m just
the step-mom, right?
As a solution, Jordan and I decided to expand our family. We
got a dog. And let me tell you, he is my baby and I love him to the moon and back.
But it wasn’t the same.
We decided to try for a baby. Only, we found it was going to
be more complicated than I had hoped for. Here I am 18 months later and we aren’t
any closer than before.
At first I started to feel like I was letting Jordan down.
He had two kids previously and now we can’t even have ONE. It has been an
emotional roller coaster to say the least.
That is why being a step-mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever
done. This could be it for me. This could be my only shot to raise a child with
my amazing husband. I wish every day that they were “mine.”
Don’t get me wrong, there are still days that I love when it’s
just me and Jordan. As I’m sure most of you do. It’s nice to be able to go to a
movie at the spur of a moment and not worry about a babysitter.
We are finding
the silver lining in everything. And that has been a huge blessing.
I hope and pray that I can make the best of the next years that
we have Jaxon and Kenadee here. I hope that I can be a good example and role
model for them. I hope that I can continue teaching them the things that they
need to know to be good people. And most of all, I hope that I can love them
more each day and that they will always know how much they mean to me. I know
that I am just a step-mom, but I am Jaxon and Kenadee’s step-mom. That’s got to
be good for something.
